What is our number one goal of being a parent? Ultimately, it’s to be fired. Humorously put, perhaps, but seriously, everything we do is about working ourselves out of a job. That’s a good thing. We don’t want our children still living with us when they’re 40. Our goal is to turn our children into responsible adults.

It’s pretty amazing to think that the parent/child relationship is the only one among humans that, by design, is terminal (we eventually become friends). This reality makes intuitive sense; when our children are born, they are utterly helpless. They are incapable of caring for any of their basic needs except drawing oxygen, and even then, most need a doctor’s help to get that started. They literally need us for everything…and that’s okay. It’s natural. It’s normal. It’s by design. One author states that we are their guardians and managers for every function at first.

However, the goal of having them take over our job as their caretakers begins almost immediately. Gradually, at first, and more rapidly later, they begin to be able to take over some of our responsibilities and to do things for themselves, like crawling, walking, feeding themselves, and using the restroom by themselves. As parents, we rejoice in these milestones; we do not lament that our children do not need us anymore and wish that we could change their diapers for several more years. Yet, ironically, that is exactly how many parents make their decisions, unwittingly, as their children grow older. They actually discipline (or don’t) in a way that virtually guarantees that their children will not become functional, responsible adults.

That being the case, it is helpful to approach every situation regarding parenting with the following questions in mind:

“Does this undermine or contribute to the goal of my child becoming an adult?”

“Is what I am getting ready to do really going to help them achieve that goal?”

Another way of saying this is, “Am I teaching them the shape of reality?”

They have to live in reality when they are adults. Thus, it is helpful to consider if our actions are going to help them later by making them live in reality in a smaller way now. Holding them responsible for using their spoon and bringing the food to their own mouths as a toddler is a good thing…so is holding them responsible for doing their chores without being told as a middle-schooler and for making wise choices with peer pressure as a high-schooler.

This “What will help them be an adult?” approach keeps the long term goal in mind even as we address the immediate. In fact, it is what gives the immediate the context necessary for us to feel confident in our decisions, and to withstand the inevitable resistance yet to come. And it will come!

© Dr. Loren James and Atlanta Counseling Center, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Dr. Loren James and Atlanta Counseling Center with appropriate and specific direction to the original content

By Jason Otwell

So many of us are looking for ways to feel more connected to the friends and family members in our lives. The explosion of social media websites like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Pinterest reflects this desire. Unfortunately, while technology has provided new mediums for connection, many of us continue to feel the pull for more. So, why is finding relational satisfaction so difficult?

I believe that a poorly understood but powerful underlying cause is our shame. Shame shows up in our lives like a little voice that says “You’re not good enough” or “Who do you think you are?”. It is a powerful, negative label that we rarely directly acknowledge, preferring to hide it from ourselves and others.